Adventures in Announcing

I'm watching World Series Game 5: Part Deux right now. I'm rooting for the Phillies, mainly because I don't want to have to listen to Joe Buck any more than I have to. He's such a terrible announcer. At least he's paired with Tim McCarver for these games, so he has someone to compete with over the world's worst announcer award. Sports announcers are so annoying sometimes. Here are some ways they (and their friends, sports columnists) butcher the English language:

1. Referring to injuries by the body part injured. Example: "Willie Parker is out with a knee." No, Willie is not out with a knee. There are 52 other guys with not one, but 2 knees, and they're not sitting out. Parker is out with a knee injury. Is it really that time consuming to add the word "injury" at the end of your sentence?

2. Keys to the game. They usually include obvious statements, like, "To win, the Chiefs must avoid penalties," or "Keys to the game for the Phillies: Get a solid pitching performance." I think generally, the keys to winning every game in every sport are the same: limit mistakes, get solid performances, and make big plays without letting your opponent make big plays. All other "keys to the game" derive from these.

3. Making up new meanings for words. In World Series Game 5: Part One, Joe Buck decided that sliding on wet infield dirt could be playfully described as hydroplaning. It was mildly witty when he used it the first time. But then he became obsessed with this word and spent 3 innings explaining any act of sliding as "hydroplaning," as if the words were interchangeable. Hey Joe, they're not. Hydroplaning is done while driving...in cars. When Jimmy Rollins slides into second, he's not hydroplaning into second...he's sliding into second.

4. Misunderstanding the meanings of words. The two most misunderstood words in sports announcing are "literally" and "infamous." Literally is now apparently a way of emphasizing and embellishing rather than describing what actually happened in reality. During the Olympics, I heard an announcer say that a diver "literally fell apart" on a poor dive. However, when she emerged from the pool, she was still in one piece. Infamous is also used in the wrong way. Most announcers (nay, most people) think infamous is just a more unusual way of saying famous. One example may be, "Andruw Jones is infamous for all his spectacular diving defensive plays in centerfield." In reality, Andruw Jones is famous for his defensive highlights. Andruw Jones is infamous for signing a huge contract with the LA Dodgers, then playing only 75 games while hitting .158. One Fifty Eight!

5. Pulling a 7-3. Paul Farmer, a medical missionary in Haiti, popularized this phrase in the book written about his work, Mountains Beyond Mountains. Farmer says a 7-3 is when someone uses 7 words when 3 will do. In Tuesday's paper, Ron Cook wrote this line about Sunday's Steelers game: "I'm not sure Holmes' absence wasn't the No. 1 reason the Steelers lost." When I have to read your sentence 3 times to fully understand your point, you no longer deserve to be a sports columnist. Why couldn't you just say this instead: "Holmes absence was the prime reason the Steelers lost." If you're not sure is wasn't, then are you sure that it was? I really can't tell. Please help me with this.

6. Talking over one another. I'm not sure this isn't the main reason why I am possibly not looking forward to the Steelers game that isn't being played on a day other than Monday, Nov. 3. I hate the MNF crew, because they are as incomprehensible as all the Sunday afternoon pregame shows. You know the premise: 3 or more guys shouting at the same time, all trying to make their point louder than the other, so that all you hear is "LOUD NOISES!" "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!" I'll probably mute my TV again this coming Monday.

I often say I could coach the Pittsburgh Pirates. But when it comes down to it, I'd probably do a worse job than anyone who has except Lloyd McClendon. However, when I hear announcers and read columnists, I'm usually convinced I could do their job.